Dead Again

“Where am I?”


“Don’t you mean, when am I?”


“That doesn’t make any sense.”


“It does from where I’m standing.”


“Oh, this is just a dream and you’re being all weird because you’re in my head.”


“No I’m not.”


“Yes you are. What do they call you? People that pop up in dreams, what you called?”


“I don’t know, it’s your dream.”


“So you agree then that this is just a dream. My dream.”


“No I don’t but you seem certain that you know what is going on.”


“I am. I’m going to walk away from this now and find something else to dream about.”


“Can you do that then?”


“Yeah, I have a whole world plotted out in my head. It’s my safe space. Every part of it has been built by me and it’s only when the big black train appears that I know there will be trouble.”


“Big black train?”


“Yeah, it signals the beginning of an alien invasion and then I lose control of my dream and a battle begins.”


“Sounds more like a nightmare.”


“I like nightmares.”






“Why are you just standing there, smiling like a simpleton?”


“What do you want me to do?”


“Fuck off out of here. This is my dream.”


“Then remove me.”


“I can’t. Where is everything? There is no colour or depth to anything.”


“What question do you want me to answer?”


“Where am I?”


“No, you mean..”


“Fuck off ok. Where am I if I’m not in own head.”


“You are nowhere and somewhere. You are the past, present and future all rolled into one.”


“What, the actual fuck are you talking about?”


“You are dead.”


“What. Say that again.”


“You are dead.”




“Listen, before you start with the questions and the angriness, let me give you some information in the most basic form possible. You died in your sleep from a massive heart attack. It was quick and you did not suffer any pain.”


“Didn’t suffer any pain. Whoopidy, fucking doo. So what happens now?”


“Now? Nothing. Not until you’ve received all the information you need and then I will allow you to take the next part of your journey.”


“Ok, what else do I need to know.”


“When you died…”


“Whoa hang on a bastard minute. Why am I naked? Where are my clothes?”


“Why do you need clothes?”


“So you don’t see my cock and balls of course.”


“Please, refrain from verbally attacking me and interrupting me and all of this will become clear.”


“Am I in Heaven or hell?”


“Please. Let me complete this induction.”


“Induction! What the fuck.”


“Please. Last warning or I will walk away and you will just be left here, with nothing.”


“I already have nothing.”


“No, you have everything.”


“Ok, I’ll listen.”


“You died on the 20th day of March, 2003. Jump forward 173 years, 3 months and 4 days and you will find yourself here today, which is Monday, March 24, 2176.”


“I’ve been dead for 170 years.”


“You died on Earth 173 years ago and yesterday your name was said for the final time. Never again will anyone on Earth say your name.”


“What about my family. My, my family?”


“All passed. Those that remain do not know you and will never know you.”


“I feel sick.”


“This will pass, although it is not sickness you feel but the feeling of emptiness. The realisation that everyone and everything you had ever loved has gone. The realisation that you are alone. The false sense of dread and fear that will hit you like a wave of fire, but it will pass.”


“Can you give me a moment to just understand what is going on right now. Yesterday I had a shit day at work, sunk a few beers and was in bed by 11, and now 170 years later I’ve woken up, dead, naked and talking to a guy that says I have everything. I have nothing. Do you understand NOTHING.”


“I will give you a moment to process what has just happened.”


“Let me ask one question and I want a straight answer. Why did it take 170 whatever it is, years for me to be woken up?”


“173 years. The reason is that when humans pass to this moment, they bring with them emotional baggage in the shape of concerns and questions about their loved ones. It’s understandable, but it is also an unwanted distraction. We have found over time that this process works best as, in your case, no one on Earth will speak your name again. You are gone, lost, forgotten. It is now time for you to move onto the next phase of your journey.”


“Next phase? Wait. I don’t like the answer you just gave me. What do you mean an unwanted distraction. This is my family I’m talking about. I want to see them. Make sure they are alright.”


“And therein lies is the problem. You can’t because they are not here. When the have reached the end of their time they will go through the same process as you.”


“So, what if you die young?”


“Then you will be delivered here much quicker as it is probable that people will stop talking about you a lot quicker as you made less impact on the world.”


“What about Kings and Queens? Key figures in history. They always get spoken about.”


“And as a result, they will never move on. Glory in one life does not transfer to the next.”


“So, as long as people continue to talk about Adolf Hitler, he will never move onto this bit. Is that right?”




“I get that as a punishment but what about great people. Tolstoy for example. He will always be a point of conversation so again he will never get here.”


“Correct. Like Hitler, Tolstoy will remain in limbo until the time comes when he is no longer mentioned.”


“Will that day ever come?”


“Of course. That day will come for all of us.”


“I have so many questions…”


“I’m sure you do but now is not the time.”


“Why not? I’m not going anywhere. I mean, I have all the time in the world now. Don’t I?”


“Time does not exist where we are.”

“Yes it does. You told me I died 173 years ago.”


“That is in Earth years. Human years. I have to offer you a timescale to which you would understand. Years, months and days, much like hours and minutes are timescales you know about but here, now, time does not exist.”


“But we’ve been talking. That has taken time.”


“No, it hasn’t.”


“This is annoying me now. If this is a dream, I want it to end. NOW.”




“Nothing. Typical, nothing. So this is my life now is it.”


“This is the next stage of your journey. You had life on Earth, that has ended and…”


“What about Mummies? No one spoke about them for years so they must have come back but then had to go again when their bodies were found.”


“No, they never arrived. We knew their names would be spoken again so they remained in their graves.”


“What would happen if the world blew up? Mankind was wiped out? Hang on, what do you mean you knew their names would be spoken again? You know when it’s time for someone to arrive here. Has my wife arrived? Is she here?”


“The term wife does not exist. The love between two people does not exist.”


“What about soulmates?”


“It’s just a phrase. Do you believe that those who once dwelled in caves had soulmates? I won’t insult you by making you answer that because the answer is, no.”


“And the exploding world?”


“If mankind was to be wiped from Earth then they would all arrive at once and we would move on to the next part of the journey.”


“What is this journey you keep harping on about?”


“Are you ready?”


“I don’t know because I don’t know what it is.”


“So, I will wait.”


“How long will that take? No, don’t answer that I already know what you’re going to say.”


“So, I will wait.”


“If time doesn’t exist, how can you wait?”


“I use words and terminology that you will understand. You understand the context in which the word wait can be used so that is why I used it.”


“Fuck sake. Look I am tired of this. Please let me move on or die. If I’m dead, let me die.”


“Is that what you want, to be gone. To be nothing?”


“I am nothing. How can I be anything other than nothing. I have nothing.”


“You have every…”


“Don’t. Just don’t ok. I stand here before you, butt naked and not knowing what is going on. All you’ve done is be cryptic and given me no real answers to my questions. At least answer one question, please!”


“Ok, ask me.”


“Where am I?”




“Oh, you are a prick. Kill me yeah. End me. Whatever it is you’re actually capable of doing.”


“Are you sure?”


“Yes, I’ve had enough of this. Make me dead again.”

"Ok. Nice to meet you. Goodbye."