Martha and the Mattresses

"I don't think this storm is going to let up any time soon."

"Come away from the window Gavin, you're not missing anything."

"But I know my one true love will visit me tonight."

"What, in this weather? I doubt it very much."

"Has Nettle got everything ready just in case?"

"Yes, yes. It's all sorted. Same as it was yesterday, and the day before that."

"I hope she comes tonight. I will love her you know."

"Yes, but she needs to pass the test first. Only the most delicate will win the hand of my child."

"Oh mother I am so excited. La la la, boo lumbar, I call Cupid."

"Please stop singing that stupid song.

"Sorry mother. I'm just so full of pretty butterflies."

"Hmmm, come and sit down and you can have some warm milk."

"Oh yummy."



"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"There is someone at the door."

"Don't be foolish boy. Who would be out in this terrible storm?"

"My love!"

"No Gavin, don't open the door. Oh great, too late."

"Hello, sorry to interrupt you but it's frightful out here and my horse was struck by lightning so I've been travelling on foot for the past hour or so. Could I please get lodgings for the night?"

"Mother? Can she?"

"Of course. I'll get Nettle to get everything ready."

"Please girl come in. What is your name?"

"Martha. Nice to meet you."

"I'm Gavin. Gavin Prince, nice to meet you to."

"Hey Gavin, is it possible I can get some dry clothes?"

"Oh yes of course. I think mother is getting that sorted for you."

"Ok thanks. This is a nice home you have."

"It belongs to father. He is away at the moment overseas. I don't see so much of him but I know he loves me. Mother tells me all the time."

"Where is your mother?"

"Oh she will be here soon don't you worry."

"I really need to change my clothes that's all."

"You can take them off here if you want to? I can get you a towel. We have ever such fluffy ones."

"No it's ok, I'll wait."

"La la la, boo lumbar, I call Cupid. Do you believe in Cupid?"

"What do you mean?"

"Cupid. The son of Mars and Venus. Mars is the God of War and Venus the Goddess of Love. In turn Cupid and Psyche had a child called Voluptas."

"Right. You know your stuff."

"Roman mythology. Do you want me to show you my..."

"Sorry is your mother going to be long, I'm really not comfortable right now."

"Your clothes."

"Yeah, and other things."

"Sorry for the delay young, sorry I don't know our name."

"It's Martha."

"I can answer for myself thank you."


"Yes, I'm Martha Cess. Do you have some clothes I can change into?"

"A pleasure to meet you Martha. Yes, Nettle has everything arranged for you in the guest bedroom. She is waiting for you at the bottom of the stairwell."

"Thank you, and wonderful to meet you both."



"Why are you grinning like that Gavin?"

"Mother, I believe she is the one. I told you my love would visit me today and, oh wait! And she is Martha Cess. I am Gavin Prince. Prince Cess. Princess. She is my beautiful princess."

"She is beautiful, yes, but is she delicate enough for you?"

"I think she will be mother. I just know it. La la la, boo lumbar, I call Cupid."

"Calm down. The morning will tell us if wedding bells are on the horizon."

"Oh mother I could skip across melted tombstones."

"Excuse me Mrs Prince."

"What is it Nettles?"

"Is the lady. She not happy in the guest room."

"What's wrong? The clothes, the temperature of the room?"

"No is bed. She not happy with bed."

"What's wrong mother?" 

"Nothing. You stay here Gavin and I will go and see what the problem is."


"Hello Martha, what's the problem?"

"I don't wish to sound ungrateful, I mean the change of clothes and your hospitality has been lovely but what is this?"

"It's your bed dear."

"Why so many mattresses? How is that even safe. If I manage to climb to the top any movement and the whole thing will collapse. Is there a chance I could have a regular bed with the regular number of mattresses. One."

"To be honest with you Martha we have had many a guest stay here and no one has ever complained. It's the very best bed in the house."


"Indeed. Climb the ladder and you will see. It will be the best nights sleep you will ever have."

"Again I don't wish to sound ungrateful..."

"Then shut up and get some rest."

"I'm sorry, did you just tell me to shut up?"

"It's been a difficult day dear. I do apologise."

"No, no, no. There is something going on here."

"Please. I'll go and make you some warm milk and once you've had a sleep we can discuss it in the morning."

"Fuck your warm milk and I am not sleeping on that."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Do you think this is normal? Asking me to sleep on a bed some 12 feet above the ground. It's not stable. I could push this now and the whole thing would collapse."

"I'm sorry. Yes, you are right. I shall speak to Nettles and ask her to strip this down and make a regular bed for you."

"Thank you. Like I said I don't want to ungrateful and your kindness is heartwarming but this is a bit weird, don't you think?"

"It's ok. I shall get Nettles to sort it out. NETTLES!"

"Yes Mrs Prince."

"Kill our guest and put her in the garden with the others."

"Yes of course. Come with me please girl, I must slit your throat."

"You kidding me? What are you talking about. Get your hands off me!"


"Everything ok mother?"

"Yes Gavin, everything is ok."

"Is Martha resting."

"Yes darling. Like the others, she is resting."


"Yes outside, with God. He will give her shelter for the night."

"I loved her."

"I know darling but she just wasn't delicate enough for you."

"Can I see her?"

"Later yes."

"Can I play with her like I played with the others."

"Gavin you can do whatever you like with her once she is outside. I noticed you were having sex with Diana the other morning."

"I didn't know which hole to go in so I went in her eye hole. It was so soft from the rain."

"You do make me laugh son."

"Mother, can I have some more warm milk?"

"Not right now. My nipples are still a little sore from earlier. Once we get Martha down to rest I'll let you have a little bit before sleep. Does that sound good?"

"Yes I suppose so. I'm going to go and look at the storm some more. Maybe my love will arrive soon."